But I want it!

We've all seen it; the child running rough shod through the store, with no regard for the other people around. Like a little tornado, leaving behind a path of destruction, and a poor mother desperately trying to catch up. You hear a wailing voice rising from the next aisle over "But I WANT it!" You round the corner just in time to see the child collapse on the floor in a full-blown, meltdown fit.

Do you want to know the truth? I am that child.... regularly! I scream at God "But I WANT IT!" Whether its some shiny new thing, a raise, a relationship, whatever it is, "I WANT IT!" God however, as a good parent, sees the dangers that I do not perceive, and lovingly tells me "No." And I respond with all the maturity, poise, and grace of a 2 year old, crumpling into an emotional heap, kicking and screaming, and believing that God doesn't love me. When someone tries to remind me that "God works all things together for the good of those who love Him" I mentally add "except for me" to the end.

And yet, some of the things I have wanted the most in my life, in hindsight, would have been disastrous. But that disaster and heartache was avoided, because God protected me by telling me "No." Although I usually don't like His methods, and sometimes don't want to hear it, God IS working all things together for my greatest good.

I think the Garth Brooks song said it best: Some of God's greatest gifts, are Unanswered Prayers.

Question: What has God told you "No" to, which you're now thankful for?

An Unexpected Answer

The top of the mountain was shrouded in clouds, yet still we pressed on. The morning had dawned cold and clear. We'd started hiking just as the first grey streaks of dawn began chasing the stars from the sky. A breakfast of hot coffee and cold trail food now fueled our ascent. Watching the sun rising through the trees into a sapphire sky, the day had seemed full of promise.

But now the peak was invisible, hidden behind a dark, wispy, grey veil. We were above the treeline; nothing green grew here. The whistling wind was bitterly cold, turning every bead of sweat into an icy-cold drop. We were climbing on a scree of broken, grey shale, into a sky of swirling grey clouds. Each slippery, unstable step as much a matter of the will, as of the body.

Pausing for a moment, desperately trying to catch my breath, I half thought, half prayed "God, this is hard!"

"Isn't that the point?"

The answer was completely unexpected, disruptive, and ...perfect.

I was going through one of the darkest, most difficult times of my life. Part of why I had decided to climb this mountain was to simply escape from all of that for a while. And standing there, halfway between earth and sky, God lovingly spoke to me, and gave me the key to persevere through both of those storms: The very fact that it is difficult, makes it worthwhile; If it were easy, it wouldn't be an accomplishment. If it didn't require anything of me, I wouldn't value it. If it didn't challenge me, I would never grow. If it didn't take me to the utter end of my own ability, I would never reach out to God for the strength to carry on.

In the very place I had ran to escape from my problems, God met me with the answer. Far above the treeline, He brought growth. While standing on a mountain, God gave me the key to survive the valley.
The day was full of promise after all.

"I will never leave you, nor forsake you"  - Hebrews 13:5

Question: Where has God met you unexpectedly? What difficulties has he brought you through?

The Content Monster

Silence is not golden. I hate silence.

I used to hate silence because it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't like my thoughts when left alone with them, and they didn't like me either. I couldn't handle the introspection that inevitably accompanied silence, so I had to keep some kind of noise going to keep my mind occupied. (Pro-Tip, if this describes you, then it is definitely time for a look "under the hood," in spite how uncomfortable it may be.)

Now I hate silence because if feels like wasted time. I like to feed my mind things that I feel will help me grow as a person. I love podcasts. And blogs. And Twitter. I follow some amazing people, and I love the perspectives they bring, and the questions they ask. I love books too, but I don't feel I have time enough to read a long blog post, let alone an entire book. I literally have 42 books on my "To Read" list, and a few more that I own but haven't gotten around to reading.

In my quest for content, I'm always in a rush. I skim the blogs I follow, looking for nuggets of wisdom I can glean. I do the same with my twitter feed. I skip over the intro on podcasts. I want to get to the "good stuff" as fast as I can, so I can absorb it, and then move on to the next source. I've found so many terrific sources of "good stuff" that I have a hard time keeping up. And maybe it's a bit OCD of me, but I often feel obligated to keep up; that if I don't, I might miss some vital insight.

This pattern has resulted in a nearly constant stream of input going into my brain, with little or no time to analyze or mull over the concepts I am hearing. Its as if I'm drinking from a firehose, and have no time to swallow. I've not been allowing my brain any down time.

I realized however, that this is not only unwise, but it is fundamentally faithless. While there is nothing wrong with pursuing wisdom and understanding (in fact the Bible commends those pursuits), I don't need to be worried about rushing to consume all the wisdom and insight I can get my hands on, so I don't miss any "vital insight." If something is "vital" then I can count on God (who promises He will supply all of my needs) to make sure I have it when I need it. Yet, while I know His timing is always perfect, I still struggle with this.

Additionally, if there is no break in the "input", no mental down time, no .... silence.... then I am leaving no space in which to think about what I'm hearing, and make sure it is truth.

Lastly, with no silence, I'm leaving no room for God to speak; no opportunity for me to hear the Lord's "still, small voice" leading me, guiding me.

I love my phone because it brings all of this content, all of this information to me in one convenient portable little package. But I'm learning that, periodically, I need to simply turn off this little Content Monster, and be still before the Lord. I need to give Him a chance to speak, and then do the hardest thing of all... listen. 

I may hate doing it, and it takes time, but soon His voice does come, amid the sounds of silence.

Question:
Do you keep yourself constantly busy? What keeps you from setting aside time to think, and "be still" before the Lord?

This pain feels real

Unloved, unwanted, undesired. Worthless, useless, disposable. Passing through, unimportant, making no impact. A specter, a shadow, a ghost; unnoticed until I make noise, then bidden "be silent & begone!" All alone, like some unwanted stray, whimpering in the cold, rainy night.

This is how I feel sometimes.

I want to know I am loved, valued, appreciated, important, respected, noticed. I want to know that my life makes a difference! That I matter. At least that I matter to someone, even if it's just one person.

I don't share this to seek sympathy, or pity. I'm not asking anyone to treat me differently, nor am I upset at, nor attacking anyone for interactions we may have had in the past. I share this to be transparent, and to process this, because I think a lot of other people may feel the same way.

At the risk of being cliche, I've had to realize "It's not you, its me." I've had to realize that the way I feel has more to do with me, than it does with reality. I was very down at one point, and a good friend of mine commented "He's a musician, he'll be okay." What he meant was, as an artistic individual, my emotional spectrum swings wide, and I feel things very strongly. Few emotions are minor for me, most are felt intensely, and savored for their full flavor, whether bitter or sweet. But I must remember that my perception, does not define reality.

My friends care about me. I know they do, because of how they treat me. We joke around, and poke good-natured fun at each other, but when it really matters, they care. They are there for me. They've got my back. I've not always been so blessed. I've not always had the kind of wonderful friends I have now, and I've never had them in such abundance.

But because loneliness is a sore spot from my past, that is where the devil pokes me. Like a wound that's scabbed over, or an old knee injury, it doesn't take much; just a little pressure, and I'm aboard the train to Depressed Land, where life is gloomy, and the roses are blooming black.

But truth doesn't ride that train. Truth, reality, is often vastly different from how I feel.

The same is true of my relationship with God. At times I don't feel loved, but I am. I don't feel valued, but Jesus paid the ultimate price for me. I don't feel cared-for, but the God of the universe promised he is working all things together for my highest good.

To be honest, these feelings come and go. Sometimes they last a moment, sometimes longer. There are a number of factors that come into play, but the bottom line is, I want to live in the light of truth. I want to live in what's real.

Ripples and Waves

In my last post, I wrote about success. I was pondering how some achieve and maintain it. Then Steve Jobs passed away. This is sad event put many things in perspective. I debated about re-writing the entire post, but decided to post it, as written, and write a follow up.

By all accounts, Steve Jobs was a success; wealthy, influential, respected & beloved by millions. He was a visionary who literally changed the world.

But he was not always a success. He dropped out of, and never graduated from college. For a time he was sleeping on the floor in friends' dorm rooms. And even after 10 years of success at Apple, he was fired from the company he helped create. A lot of people would call that a failure. But that "failure" led him to start two new companies, which also became successful. As he himself said, looking forward, he couldn't see how the dots would connect that would lead him to such success. It was only in hindsight that he could see how all the dots connected.

The accomplishments of Steve's life changed the world. But his passing was merely a significant blip on our collective radar; a trending topic on twitter and facebook feeds for about 36 hours (which is an eternity in this day!) and the obligatory comments by news media, coupled with the pre-canned obituaries. His passing was noticed, and felt, and then gone.

But the ripples of his life will continue long after his passing.

I think true success is to achieve something of positive significance; Some good which outlasts yourself. It doesn't mean you have to change the entire world, or even a large chunk of it. But I feel you should endeavor to leave at least your own corner of the world a better place than how you found it.

What does that mean for you? What will it look like? That is for you to discover! As Frederick Buechner said "The place God calls you to is where your deep gladness, and the world's deep hunger meet". And on that road, it is important to remember that minor, and even major setbacks, are not necessarily the end of the dream. Thomas Edison said "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" and "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

For me, helping people, meaningful relationships, learning, teaching, recognition & respect, and financial gain make me feel successful. It is probably different for you, so ask yourself "At the end of the day, what makes me feel like my time & effort was worthwhile? What gave me 'deep gladness'?"

Some day, the ripples of my life are all that will remain; the echos of my existence. But for now, while I'm still here, while I can still have direct impact, and can still shape the good I leave behind, its time to take action!
Let's make some waves! 

Success?

Is there some magic pill I've never heard of?
Or perhaps a time machine or remote control like in the movie Click that I'm missing out on? You'd tell me, right?

Seriously, how is it that some people are able to do so much with their lives? Experience so much? Have so much success? It's as if some people are able to inhale oxygen and exhale pure awesome. King Midas had it. No, not the muffler guy, the one from Greek mythology. Go read about it.

I'm not talking about the meteoric rise and fall of the latest youtube clip or internet meme. I'm talking about people who seem to warp the laws of space-time and maintain "meteoric" levels of success over a lifetime. Lasting, sustainable success. People such as Joss Whedon, Tony Dungy, Mark Driscoll, Reed Hastings, Shay Carl, Phillip DeFranco, Dave Ramsey, Tim Sanders, Zig Ziglar, Mark Zuckerberg.... the list goes on and on. Love 'em or hate 'em, their success speaks for itself!

So how do they do it? What is their personal Rumplestiltskin that enables them to spin gold where others see only straw? Seriously, I want to know! Gold may be cold and hard, but straw is itchy to sleep on! (and gold can buy a nicer bed!)

I've been reading their books, following them on twitter, and stalking them across the internet landscape like a Japanese fanboy, trying to discover their secret. While I have yet to discern the location of the mystical fountain from whence they drink, I have noticed some themes. Ramsey always emphasizes excellence, and the power of focused intensity. Jon Acuff talks about "hustle". Shay Carl teaches his kids "Remember, work will work when nothing else will work." Going back a few years, Winston Churchill said "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat."

Unfortunately, it seems success doesn't come in a convenient pill, or even a smoothie. (I know, I've looked). There's not "3 Easy Steps", and nothing seems to be guaranteed. Success appears to largely be the result of that 4 letter word "work"; Especially when coupled with that other 4 letter word "hard". With apologies to Staples, there is no "easy" button. And while Lady Luck certainly also seems to play her role, Thomas Jefferson said "I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more of it I have."

Often success feels so far away that it's hard not to get discouraged before you even begin. When considering these giants, I sometimes feel as if I'm looking up at Mt. Everest, thinking "How am I ever supposed to get all the way up there?? It's so far away, and I'm no Sir Edmund Hillary!" Zig Ziglar says "You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great." So get started! Today!!!

And when you feel overwhelmed and inadequate, stop to pray, and then take Teddy Roosevelt's advice:

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." and "Believe you can and you're halfway there."

At home on the Yellow Brick Road

"There's no place like ______."
"Follow the ______ Brick Road."

We all know the movie and it's memorable characters, delightful songs ("If I only had a brain"), and fantastic world. It's a wonderful children's story, and like so many stories, it also contains deeper meanings, morals, & lessons which we hope will be carried throughout their lives.

I was wondering the other day, how often do we live like these characters in our daily lives? Instead of learning from them, we find ourselves mimicking their faults and failings! How often do we lack courage? Or compassion, love & heart? How often do we bury our heads in the proverbial sand, refusing to use our brains to think clearly & rationally about difficult topics? How often do we feel lost, alone, and long for a place to call home, a place to belong?

Unfortunately, in real life, there are no Ruby Slippers, no Wonderful Wizard, and no Good Witch of the North. There are no easy answers to the difficult and troubling questions. Life can be so confusing & strange; unexpected events occur and dangers seem to come with startling frequency. The Yellow Brick Road of life offers no promise of safety, in fact quite the opposite. But what is there to do? There is no other path available to us? Like it or not, all we can do is take each day as it comes and "follow the Yellow Brick Road."

And yet, the journey is made it so much more bearable -even enjoyable- and certainly more memorable, by companionship; sharing the journey with fellow travelers. Each traveler is seeking something different from the journey. Each has different vulnerabilities which they must help one another overcome, (dousing the flames on Scarecrow, oiling Tin Man to keep him from rusting). And this is true in our own lives as well. We try so hard to be independent, (as American's we are trained to be) when what the journey truly requires is inter-dependence. King David of ancient Israel had the Mighty Men, Jesus had the 12 apostles. Even the Lone Ranger had Tonto. We cannot make it alone!

At the end of their journey, (spoiler alert!) it was revealed that the very things they thought they lacked, the things they had been seeking, they had actually possessed all along. It took the dangers, the trials, and the difficulties of the journey to reveal their hidden attributes. How often do we fail to see our own gifts and strengths because we have convinced ourselves of our own weakness and inadequacy? And I know I for one dislike & fear the events in life which force me to stretch beyond my comfort zone. Often, however, that stretching is what was required to reveal capacity I never knew I had before.

Even Dorothy, who longed to be home, possessed the ability throughout the journey. I'm not talking about the Ruby Slippers. While yes, they would transport her back to Kansas, is that truly home? Is home a place? A house? An address with a familiar structure? If you have ever returned to the house you grew up in, years after your family has moved away, you know the answer; that place is no longer home, because the people who made that house a home are no longer there. The people you call family make it home. In Dorothy's case, her companions were caricatures of her biological family. But at times I have lived far away from any biological family, and my "family" were the people I was living life with; my fellow companions for that portion of the Yellow Brick Road. I currently have friends that are as close as brothers to me, whom, without hesitation, I consider to be family. So it seems to me, that no matter where you are along the Yellow Brick Road of life, if you are surrounded by your family, then even in the midst of the journey, you can always be home. 

And as we all know:

"There's no place like home!"

Lost in translation

D3 was my friend. Daniel Wilcox the 3rd, I believe was his legal name, but everyone just called him D3. When I was a kid, his dad and mine were friends, which set an excellent foundation for our own friendship. His Dad was a missionary in Papua New Guinea. I loved when they would come to visit while home on furlough, and sometimes we would see each other at various church camps. I vividly remember him telling me stories of swinging on vines and dropping into swimming holes. I remember him complaining that bananas "state-side" didn't taste right; they tasted much better picked ripe and fresh, right off a tree. In his stories I could see the verdant green of the jungle, taste the sticky humidity, and feel the wonder and excitement of it all. It seemed a dream come true for a boy: Endless adventure! Ever since, missionaries have always fascinated me.

This morning while getting ready for my decidedly non-adventurous desk job, I was listening to the radio. They were talking with a missionary bush pilot which, of course, piqued my attention. He worked with Wycliff Bible Translators, the same organization D3's dad had worked with, which piqued my attention even more. As I listened to the pilot describe the perils, challenges and joys of being a missionary bush pilot, I remembered my boyhood fantasy (ambition?) to become a missionary so I too could go live in the jungle, swing on vines, talk with aborigines and have grand adventures.

The pilot was talking about the need for bible translation when a stunning idea popped into my brain and stuck: "We are all called to be Bible translators." Cliche at first blush perhaps, but as I unpacked the idea, I realized we are all responsible for studying the Word of God & expressing that in our life. Our lives are to be an accurate translation of God's Word into a language the world can understand: actions.

St Francis of Assisi is credited as saying "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words." And it is perhaps more true today than ever that actions speak louder than words. Our world is full of noisy talking heads all clamoring for our attention: TV, radio, blogs, facebook, twitter, youtube; everyone is talking, but it is the lone soul who acts that seizes our attention. Lewis Cass said "People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do."

Whether you plan to go to Papua New Guinea, or just around the corner, remember: Speaking the truth is important, but if your actions don't support your words, no one will care what you have to say. As Grey Livingston said "Ironically, making a statement with words is the least effective method." So live the Gospel. Demonstrate it with your life, translate the Bible into your actions. How? While the specific details will vary with each situation, Jesus gave us the foundation:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind" and "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Remember, "Your life may be the only Bible some people will ever read."
How's your translation?

Where's my Happy Ending?

We love happy endings. Ask anyone to summarize a fairy tale, and you will typically get a one or two sentence summary of the problem, then they spend the rest of the time telling you about it's resolution.

Cinderella "She had a mean step-mother and step-sisters who treated her horribly and made her do all the work. Then a ball was announced to find a bride for the prince..."
Rapunzel "An evil witch locked her in a tall tower with no door. But her hair grew long..."
Beauty and the Beast "There was a terrible beast who lived in a castle in the woods, and Belle had to go live in the castle with him. At first she only saw his beastly exterior, but over time..."

We all want to jump to the happy ending. We skip past the years of toil and captivity, and "get to the good stuff." We want to see the maiden rescued, evil defeated, and true love win out. We long for resolution to every problem presented in the story, with each loose end tied off in a neat little bow. We want everything to work out. And as soon as it does, we want to forget about the painful years it took to get from there, to here; The Beast only a distant memory; The tower left to crumble in ruin; The step-sisters merely footnotes.

But that is not real life! Its not clean and tidy. Real life is dirty. Real life has loose ends and unresolved issues that continually pop up, and it rarely comes with "neat little bows". Most importantly, real life takes time. Our modern-day story-tellers move so quickly to the "happy ending" that our expectations have become unrealistic. We watch as painful situations are completely resolved within a 1 hour TV program; Relationships are restored, wrongs are forgiven and hurts are healed. A major problem may take 2 episodes to fix!

This "pain-free, quick-fix" mentality has even caused the modification of the Gospel message. We talk about Jesus' love, salvation and grace, but barely mention the agony he endured in the Garden of Gethsemane, nor the true torturous nature of his crucifixion. We gloss over the 3 days of intense sorrow, fear, confusion and lost-ness that Jesus' followers lived through, and move straight to his resurrection. I understand why, but this has blinded us to an important truth; Pain is normal.

As stated by the Man in Black in the movie The Princess Bride: "Life is pain, highness!" While that may be hyperbole, its not far from the truth! But we no longer see pain as a normal part of life! We try to eradicate and medicate pain in any form. We have a pill for every ill, but pain still remains. The fact that pain is the norm should not be a cause for despair, however. It should be a comfort! We're not alone! Everyone experiences pain, even Jesus! And because of that, He understands! He can intimately relate to your pain, sorrow, loneliness, the feeling of abandonment. He's been there. He gets it.

Although I wish He would, God never promises to prevent pain. A friend of mine says "He is not the Great Preventer, He is the Great Redeemer." God promises to redeem pain. He will bring good out of it! There will be a happy ending, evil will be defeated, the rescue will occur, and His true love will win. But God rarely uses "quick fixes," and though I wish it wasn't, pain is often the tool He uses to move us.

In times of pain, remember: Rome wasn't built in a day, and the Sistine Chapel wasn't painted overnight. The happiest of endings is coming! But it takes time to craft a masterpiece.

Quality & Content

Tim Sanders ruined my blog post.

I had a post planned and the rough draft written. All I needed to do was to add some citations, make sure the thoughts flowed well, and the layout was clean. Then Tim Sanders happened. More specifically, Tim Sanders posted to his blog. He wrote about how some bloggers will sacrifice quality in order to meet a self-imposed, artificial deadline. That post could not have come at a more perfect moment. 


I set a goal for myself when I started this project to update every Wednesday. Why Wednesday? Because it works with my schedule; Write the post over the weekend, review it Tuesday evening, and it goes live on Wednesday. Why a deadline on a personal blog? That comes back to the purpose of the blog, as outlined in my first post; I want to think through things, and get my thoughts out where I can wrestle and deal with them. That is never an easy process, and being a procrastinator by nature doesn't help either. So I set a deadline in order to force myself to sit down and wrestle through something at least once a week. 


So how did Tim Sanders ruin my blog post? Well, somehow I had started to forget the primary reason why I started the blog; My own personal growth. It is a blog, and I know other people can (and some do) read it, and I genuinely hope that it helps and edifies those who do. But somehow I got bit by the blogging bug in just the few short weeks have been doing this. I began to think less about "What things do I need to think & wrestle through" and more about "What can I write about this week?" But this blog was created for personal reflection. And I genuinely believe that the people who read my blog are drawn to it not because they can count on a Wednesday update, but because I am open and honest, and fairly transparent as I think and wrestle through different topics. 


The blog post I had written was pretty good, and I may use it or draw from it in the future, but this seemed to be more important to me. Somehow I lost focus on my true intent, and I need to maintain that, or I will lose the reason why I created and have loved writing this blog in the first place. So I promise to do my best to have a post every Wednesday, but  I also promise to never post a lackluster blog just for the sake of making an update. I value my time, and yours too much to waste it on a mediocre effort. I will never sacrifice quality for the sake of content. 


...And then God kicked me in the gut. Anyone who knows me, knows I tend to talk....a lot.  I come by it naturally. Both sides of the family can talk for hours on end, and my dad is a preacher. We're a family of talkers. So much so that silence is awkward for me. It seems like empty space, which can filled! And since I am never short of something to say, I start talking. But are my words beneficial, helpful, edifying? Or is it just noise? In truth, I should let that awkward silence hang in the air. It is awkward, and the longer the silence, the more someone will want to say something! Awkward silence will leave space for my quieter friends to have an opportunity to speak. This will help me get to know them better, instead of them always getting to know more about me. And when I do speak, I need to make sure my words are worthwhile to listen to.


Plato said "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something." And the Bible says "...many words mark the speech of a fool."  So bottom line, I need to speak less, say more.

Like I said; Tim Sanders ruined my blog post. But he may have saved my entire blog, and so much more!

Campfire Magic, Pain & Providence

Campfires are magical; the smell, the crackling wood, the warm, glowing light, the mesmerizing dance of the flames, the rush of sparks flying up into the night sky to join the stars... But the deepest magic is the way they stir the soul. Somehow, gathered around a campfire, our hearts are opened; memories flow freely, moments gain significance and emotions infuse everything with meaning. Within the glow of the fire's light, we feel a kindred spirit, we feel safe... and we begin to share.

I spent such an evening around a campfire this past weekend with people whom I have known, but have never gotten to know. Previously, our conversations had rarely gone beyond simple pleasantries. But in the magic of the firelight, after everyone else had retreated to their tents, the four of us began to speak of things deeper. The conversation had meandered through many topics when a question was raised; If you were offered the chance to go back in time, and re-do your life to avoid your most painful mistakes, would you take it?

True, the question is not novel, we've all heard it before, but it is just as weighty as it is cliche. We all have things we wished we'd done differently. I have often shared the sentiments of a web-comic character who said "I wish life had multiple save points like [video]games do. It'd be easier to go back and fix major screwups." It is an intriguing proposition; Would we, if we could?

A deeper question however is "Who would I be if I did?" Who I am as a person has been greatly shaped by what I have come through. Some of the most profound lessons I have learned have come directly from some of my most painful experiences. Without the pain, I may never have learned those lessons.

And pain has done more than just teach lessons; Trusted friendships have deepened and "fair-weather friends" have shown their true colors; I began meeting my parents for lunch regularly, which I still do at least once a week; I began actively seeking wise counselors for my life instead of stumbling along alone; I dug deep and found myself; and I learned how to be honest with God. Without the pain I would not be the person I am today.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

Though many times I have put myself into painful situations, God has clearly used the pain to my benefit. His plan, in action, doesn't allow one tear to go to waste. He protects me from disaster, and has given me a future, and hope.

So, no, I would not go back to change the past. God is telling a story with my life, and like a tapestry, the black threads are just as important as the gold. I am still learning to trust that He has a plan, and His plan is good. And when I do question His plan (as I inevitably do), I try to remind myself:

"Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?" - Genesis 18:25

Exhausting Expectations

*Sigh...* Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I find this Christian life exhausting. Forgive me the sacrilege, and permit me my honesty. No matter how hard I try, I keep messing up. Change is slow in coming, and I cant seem to "get it right". I feel very much like Paul, wanting to right, but doing wrong instead. In the end I just feel like a miserable failure.

I have echos from my childhood ringing in my mind. The voices of my parents saying "There is no point in doing something if you're not going to do it right!" My paternal grandfather asking "If you don't have time to do it right the first time, how will you ever have time to do it over?" A common theme while growing up, although never so clearly stated, was "'Good enough', isn't." I know there is wisdom in their words. My parents were trying to impress upon me the value and importance of a job well done. In a lot of ways I wish I had learned those lessons better, and could finally conquer my natural penchant for procrastination.

In some ways, however, those childhood lessons can be a double-edged sword. For example, "good enough" is, even if its not perfect, if it truly is your best. This lesson was driven home to me less than a month ago while hiking with my dad. We both had given everything we could, and had pushed ourselves to the point of injury (I'm still treating injured knees and ankles.) Truth be told, we should have stopped a day earlier, but for several reasons, largely just stubborn determination (which sounds better than just plain old stubbornness) we pressed on. That final evening, sitting beside the trail on a hill, watching the sun go down, my dad and I had a real heart-to-heart. He asked me a question I'd never heard him ask before. "Would anyone else, in your circumstances, given your current limitations, be able to honestly say they'd done all they could?" Basically, the question boils down to: "Are you holding yourself to an unrealistic standard or expectation which you would not demand of others?"

Honestly, I struggled with that question. I don't recall ever looking at any situation that way before. Typically, I just compare my accomplishments against what I think I should have been able to do, which is usually based more upon what I (or others) wanted, and less upon reality. Another measure I use is how well I think my parents, mentor, or someone else would have done. But again, those are somewhat idealized standards, and don't take into account numerous factors such as experience, training and talent.

Likewise, I use these same measures in my spiritual walk. I compare myself to others, or to how I want to be. Logically I know that is not how God measures, but that doesn't seem an adequate explanation to my guilt-ridden heart. I feel that I should have done better, tried harder, demanded more of myself... somehow, in some way, I should have been able to avoid failing again. That failure is then followed by self-loathing, defeatism, a fear that I will never get it right...

A friend of mine asked me a question once. "What does God expect from you?" His answer blew me away: "Failure." Failure?.Really? God expects failure? Yes. He expects failure. He knows that on our best day, we will still fail; That's why he sent Jesus. God doesn't hold me to perfection, or even the standard of what others might set. He only asks for my best. That's it. Just the best that I can offer Him today, in these circumstances, with these limitations. And then, here is the beautiful part, He provides His grace to cover all the places where I fall short.

Whenever I begin to ask myself if I really gave that hike everything, if I possibly could have gone farther, tried harder, if I really left it all on that hillside, my aching knees and ankles remind me that yes, I gave it all.

Likewise when my spiritual walk falls short, I need to remember that Jesus gave it all, and I can leave all my failings on that hillside, at the foot of the cross, and then rest in His grace.

Wilderness Wandering

Lately I've been feeling... stuck. Unable to move forward in my life. In spite of my best efforts, I've been unable to bring about any significant change to my situation. Like I'm caught in some giant holding pattern... just circling...
waiting... 
wandering... 
wondering what I did (or am doing) wrong that has caused God to abandon me to this barren, trackless wasteland...
... Forgotten.


For years I've held the tacit view that the 40 years of wandering in the wilderness by the nation of Israel was God's punishment for their lack of faith to enter the Promised Land. It never ceases to amaze me how your understanding of an event you have known about for years, can suddenly and drastically shift upon the sudden realization of a new perspective which you have not thought of before, a new question that has never before been asked:

The wandering; was it punishment? Or instead, was it discipline?

If you had asked me when I was a child, I would have said "They're the same thing!" But they're NOT! There is a difference! To punish is "to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc., as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault." Discipline is "to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct;chastise." Succinctly; punishment is pain, discipline is pain with purpose; aka training.


God was not just lashing out at Israel, venting his frustration, anger, and/or disappointment. God was training them; He had purpose in their pain. In Deuteronomy 8 God explains that their wandering was intended to teach them:

Humility - it would not be by their own strength, but by God's power that they would conquer; Like when God destroyed the Egyptian army, or when His power enabled them to defeat the Amalekites as long as Moses held the staff of God over his head.

Spirituality - man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. They must learn to obey God.

Faith - God will provide. While wandering in the desert for 40 years, God provided bread, meat, water, and even their clothes didn't wear out. 

God was teaching them critically important lessons which they would need as they entered the Promised Land. He was preparing the nation to succeed where they had previously failed!

This is not a story of God's anger, wrath, and punishment, but instead is a display of God's love, in-action, for his people; He keeps His promises, He meets their needs, He forgives their failings, He guides, trains and teaches them to overcome those failings and then leads them into His promised rest. 

Suddenly my "wandering" seems less pointless, and my time less "wasted." 
I have things to learn; Class is in session!

An Opening...

While using my phone's speech-to-text capability to write a note, I said the phrase "I'm not certain my world view will hold up to scrutiny." However, what my phone wrote instead was "I'm not certain my world view will hold up to screw me" which, although crass, more accurately portrays my sentiments. =)

(I love when a simple misunderstanding cuts through the garbage, to the heart of the matter!)

And thus, this blog. I am not writing to a particular audience, and I don't have a specific agenda in mind, other than this: I intend to use this blog as an avenue through which to think "out loud"; to voice my opinions, thoughts, and feelings; to get them out where I can see them, scrutinize them, challenge, wrestle with, adjust, and correct them. This is intended as an exercise for myself, and my own mental health and sanity (which may already be a lost cause!) ;) So please, feel no obligation to continue reading my ramblings and meanderings here. I make no apologies, but I will always accept constructive feedback.


Please, do not look for any deep, theological or philosophical treatises here. Any depth or profundity achieved is the result of wrestling with my thoughts, and quite possibly, purely accidental! ;) 

I ask God to grant me wisdom as I embark on this venture, and ask for His revelation as I wrestle and struggle through my thoughts.