This pain feels real

Unloved, unwanted, undesired. Worthless, useless, disposable. Passing through, unimportant, making no impact. A specter, a shadow, a ghost; unnoticed until I make noise, then bidden "be silent & begone!" All alone, like some unwanted stray, whimpering in the cold, rainy night.

This is how I feel sometimes.

I want to know I am loved, valued, appreciated, important, respected, noticed. I want to know that my life makes a difference! That I matter. At least that I matter to someone, even if it's just one person.

I don't share this to seek sympathy, or pity. I'm not asking anyone to treat me differently, nor am I upset at, nor attacking anyone for interactions we may have had in the past. I share this to be transparent, and to process this, because I think a lot of other people may feel the same way.

At the risk of being cliche, I've had to realize "It's not you, its me." I've had to realize that the way I feel has more to do with me, than it does with reality. I was very down at one point, and a good friend of mine commented "He's a musician, he'll be okay." What he meant was, as an artistic individual, my emotional spectrum swings wide, and I feel things very strongly. Few emotions are minor for me, most are felt intensely, and savored for their full flavor, whether bitter or sweet. But I must remember that my perception, does not define reality.

My friends care about me. I know they do, because of how they treat me. We joke around, and poke good-natured fun at each other, but when it really matters, they care. They are there for me. They've got my back. I've not always been so blessed. I've not always had the kind of wonderful friends I have now, and I've never had them in such abundance.

But because loneliness is a sore spot from my past, that is where the devil pokes me. Like a wound that's scabbed over, or an old knee injury, it doesn't take much; just a little pressure, and I'm aboard the train to Depressed Land, where life is gloomy, and the roses are blooming black.

But truth doesn't ride that train. Truth, reality, is often vastly different from how I feel.

The same is true of my relationship with God. At times I don't feel loved, but I am. I don't feel valued, but Jesus paid the ultimate price for me. I don't feel cared-for, but the God of the universe promised he is working all things together for my highest good.

To be honest, these feelings come and go. Sometimes they last a moment, sometimes longer. There are a number of factors that come into play, but the bottom line is, I want to live in the light of truth. I want to live in what's real.