Campfire Magic, Pain & Providence

Campfires are magical; the smell, the crackling wood, the warm, glowing light, the mesmerizing dance of the flames, the rush of sparks flying up into the night sky to join the stars... But the deepest magic is the way they stir the soul. Somehow, gathered around a campfire, our hearts are opened; memories flow freely, moments gain significance and emotions infuse everything with meaning. Within the glow of the fire's light, we feel a kindred spirit, we feel safe... and we begin to share.

I spent such an evening around a campfire this past weekend with people whom I have known, but have never gotten to know. Previously, our conversations had rarely gone beyond simple pleasantries. But in the magic of the firelight, after everyone else had retreated to their tents, the four of us began to speak of things deeper. The conversation had meandered through many topics when a question was raised; If you were offered the chance to go back in time, and re-do your life to avoid your most painful mistakes, would you take it?

True, the question is not novel, we've all heard it before, but it is just as weighty as it is cliche. We all have things we wished we'd done differently. I have often shared the sentiments of a web-comic character who said "I wish life had multiple save points like [video]games do. It'd be easier to go back and fix major screwups." It is an intriguing proposition; Would we, if we could?

A deeper question however is "Who would I be if I did?" Who I am as a person has been greatly shaped by what I have come through. Some of the most profound lessons I have learned have come directly from some of my most painful experiences. Without the pain, I may never have learned those lessons.

And pain has done more than just teach lessons; Trusted friendships have deepened and "fair-weather friends" have shown their true colors; I began meeting my parents for lunch regularly, which I still do at least once a week; I began actively seeking wise counselors for my life instead of stumbling along alone; I dug deep and found myself; and I learned how to be honest with God. Without the pain I would not be the person I am today.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

Though many times I have put myself into painful situations, God has clearly used the pain to my benefit. His plan, in action, doesn't allow one tear to go to waste. He protects me from disaster, and has given me a future, and hope.

So, no, I would not go back to change the past. God is telling a story with my life, and like a tapestry, the black threads are just as important as the gold. I am still learning to trust that He has a plan, and His plan is good. And when I do question His plan (as I inevitably do), I try to remind myself:

"Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?" - Genesis 18:25

Exhausting Expectations

*Sigh...* Perhaps I'm alone in this, but I find this Christian life exhausting. Forgive me the sacrilege, and permit me my honesty. No matter how hard I try, I keep messing up. Change is slow in coming, and I cant seem to "get it right". I feel very much like Paul, wanting to right, but doing wrong instead. In the end I just feel like a miserable failure.

I have echos from my childhood ringing in my mind. The voices of my parents saying "There is no point in doing something if you're not going to do it right!" My paternal grandfather asking "If you don't have time to do it right the first time, how will you ever have time to do it over?" A common theme while growing up, although never so clearly stated, was "'Good enough', isn't." I know there is wisdom in their words. My parents were trying to impress upon me the value and importance of a job well done. In a lot of ways I wish I had learned those lessons better, and could finally conquer my natural penchant for procrastination.

In some ways, however, those childhood lessons can be a double-edged sword. For example, "good enough" is, even if its not perfect, if it truly is your best. This lesson was driven home to me less than a month ago while hiking with my dad. We both had given everything we could, and had pushed ourselves to the point of injury (I'm still treating injured knees and ankles.) Truth be told, we should have stopped a day earlier, but for several reasons, largely just stubborn determination (which sounds better than just plain old stubbornness) we pressed on. That final evening, sitting beside the trail on a hill, watching the sun go down, my dad and I had a real heart-to-heart. He asked me a question I'd never heard him ask before. "Would anyone else, in your circumstances, given your current limitations, be able to honestly say they'd done all they could?" Basically, the question boils down to: "Are you holding yourself to an unrealistic standard or expectation which you would not demand of others?"

Honestly, I struggled with that question. I don't recall ever looking at any situation that way before. Typically, I just compare my accomplishments against what I think I should have been able to do, which is usually based more upon what I (or others) wanted, and less upon reality. Another measure I use is how well I think my parents, mentor, or someone else would have done. But again, those are somewhat idealized standards, and don't take into account numerous factors such as experience, training and talent.

Likewise, I use these same measures in my spiritual walk. I compare myself to others, or to how I want to be. Logically I know that is not how God measures, but that doesn't seem an adequate explanation to my guilt-ridden heart. I feel that I should have done better, tried harder, demanded more of myself... somehow, in some way, I should have been able to avoid failing again. That failure is then followed by self-loathing, defeatism, a fear that I will never get it right...

A friend of mine asked me a question once. "What does God expect from you?" His answer blew me away: "Failure." Failure?.Really? God expects failure? Yes. He expects failure. He knows that on our best day, we will still fail; That's why he sent Jesus. God doesn't hold me to perfection, or even the standard of what others might set. He only asks for my best. That's it. Just the best that I can offer Him today, in these circumstances, with these limitations. And then, here is the beautiful part, He provides His grace to cover all the places where I fall short.

Whenever I begin to ask myself if I really gave that hike everything, if I possibly could have gone farther, tried harder, if I really left it all on that hillside, my aching knees and ankles remind me that yes, I gave it all.

Likewise when my spiritual walk falls short, I need to remember that Jesus gave it all, and I can leave all my failings on that hillside, at the foot of the cross, and then rest in His grace.

Wilderness Wandering

Lately I've been feeling... stuck. Unable to move forward in my life. In spite of my best efforts, I've been unable to bring about any significant change to my situation. Like I'm caught in some giant holding pattern... just circling...
waiting... 
wandering... 
wondering what I did (or am doing) wrong that has caused God to abandon me to this barren, trackless wasteland...
... Forgotten.


For years I've held the tacit view that the 40 years of wandering in the wilderness by the nation of Israel was God's punishment for their lack of faith to enter the Promised Land. It never ceases to amaze me how your understanding of an event you have known about for years, can suddenly and drastically shift upon the sudden realization of a new perspective which you have not thought of before, a new question that has never before been asked:

The wandering; was it punishment? Or instead, was it discipline?

If you had asked me when I was a child, I would have said "They're the same thing!" But they're NOT! There is a difference! To punish is "to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc., as a penalty for some offense, transgression, or fault." Discipline is "to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct;chastise." Succinctly; punishment is pain, discipline is pain with purpose; aka training.


God was not just lashing out at Israel, venting his frustration, anger, and/or disappointment. God was training them; He had purpose in their pain. In Deuteronomy 8 God explains that their wandering was intended to teach them:

Humility - it would not be by their own strength, but by God's power that they would conquer; Like when God destroyed the Egyptian army, or when His power enabled them to defeat the Amalekites as long as Moses held the staff of God over his head.

Spirituality - man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. They must learn to obey God.

Faith - God will provide. While wandering in the desert for 40 years, God provided bread, meat, water, and even their clothes didn't wear out. 

God was teaching them critically important lessons which they would need as they entered the Promised Land. He was preparing the nation to succeed where they had previously failed!

This is not a story of God's anger, wrath, and punishment, but instead is a display of God's love, in-action, for his people; He keeps His promises, He meets their needs, He forgives their failings, He guides, trains and teaches them to overcome those failings and then leads them into His promised rest. 

Suddenly my "wandering" seems less pointless, and my time less "wasted." 
I have things to learn; Class is in session!

An Opening...

While using my phone's speech-to-text capability to write a note, I said the phrase "I'm not certain my world view will hold up to scrutiny." However, what my phone wrote instead was "I'm not certain my world view will hold up to screw me" which, although crass, more accurately portrays my sentiments. =)

(I love when a simple misunderstanding cuts through the garbage, to the heart of the matter!)

And thus, this blog. I am not writing to a particular audience, and I don't have a specific agenda in mind, other than this: I intend to use this blog as an avenue through which to think "out loud"; to voice my opinions, thoughts, and feelings; to get them out where I can see them, scrutinize them, challenge, wrestle with, adjust, and correct them. This is intended as an exercise for myself, and my own mental health and sanity (which may already be a lost cause!) ;) So please, feel no obligation to continue reading my ramblings and meanderings here. I make no apologies, but I will always accept constructive feedback.


Please, do not look for any deep, theological or philosophical treatises here. Any depth or profundity achieved is the result of wrestling with my thoughts, and quite possibly, purely accidental! ;) 

I ask God to grant me wisdom as I embark on this venture, and ask for His revelation as I wrestle and struggle through my thoughts.