This pain feels real

Unloved, unwanted, undesired. Worthless, useless, disposable. Passing through, unimportant, making no impact. A specter, a shadow, a ghost; unnoticed until I make noise, then bidden "be silent & begone!" All alone, like some unwanted stray, whimpering in the cold, rainy night.

This is how I feel sometimes.

I want to know I am loved, valued, appreciated, important, respected, noticed. I want to know that my life makes a difference! That I matter. At least that I matter to someone, even if it's just one person.

I don't share this to seek sympathy, or pity. I'm not asking anyone to treat me differently, nor am I upset at, nor attacking anyone for interactions we may have had in the past. I share this to be transparent, and to process this, because I think a lot of other people may feel the same way.

At the risk of being cliche, I've had to realize "It's not you, its me." I've had to realize that the way I feel has more to do with me, than it does with reality. I was very down at one point, and a good friend of mine commented "He's a musician, he'll be okay." What he meant was, as an artistic individual, my emotional spectrum swings wide, and I feel things very strongly. Few emotions are minor for me, most are felt intensely, and savored for their full flavor, whether bitter or sweet. But I must remember that my perception, does not define reality.

My friends care about me. I know they do, because of how they treat me. We joke around, and poke good-natured fun at each other, but when it really matters, they care. They are there for me. They've got my back. I've not always been so blessed. I've not always had the kind of wonderful friends I have now, and I've never had them in such abundance.

But because loneliness is a sore spot from my past, that is where the devil pokes me. Like a wound that's scabbed over, or an old knee injury, it doesn't take much; just a little pressure, and I'm aboard the train to Depressed Land, where life is gloomy, and the roses are blooming black.

But truth doesn't ride that train. Truth, reality, is often vastly different from how I feel.

The same is true of my relationship with God. At times I don't feel loved, but I am. I don't feel valued, but Jesus paid the ultimate price for me. I don't feel cared-for, but the God of the universe promised he is working all things together for my highest good.

To be honest, these feelings come and go. Sometimes they last a moment, sometimes longer. There are a number of factors that come into play, but the bottom line is, I want to live in the light of truth. I want to live in what's real.

Ripples and Waves

In my last post, I wrote about success. I was pondering how some achieve and maintain it. Then Steve Jobs passed away. This is sad event put many things in perspective. I debated about re-writing the entire post, but decided to post it, as written, and write a follow up.

By all accounts, Steve Jobs was a success; wealthy, influential, respected & beloved by millions. He was a visionary who literally changed the world.

But he was not always a success. He dropped out of, and never graduated from college. For a time he was sleeping on the floor in friends' dorm rooms. And even after 10 years of success at Apple, he was fired from the company he helped create. A lot of people would call that a failure. But that "failure" led him to start two new companies, which also became successful. As he himself said, looking forward, he couldn't see how the dots would connect that would lead him to such success. It was only in hindsight that he could see how all the dots connected.

The accomplishments of Steve's life changed the world. But his passing was merely a significant blip on our collective radar; a trending topic on twitter and facebook feeds for about 36 hours (which is an eternity in this day!) and the obligatory comments by news media, coupled with the pre-canned obituaries. His passing was noticed, and felt, and then gone.

But the ripples of his life will continue long after his passing.

I think true success is to achieve something of positive significance; Some good which outlasts yourself. It doesn't mean you have to change the entire world, or even a large chunk of it. But I feel you should endeavor to leave at least your own corner of the world a better place than how you found it.

What does that mean for you? What will it look like? That is for you to discover! As Frederick Buechner said "The place God calls you to is where your deep gladness, and the world's deep hunger meet". And on that road, it is important to remember that minor, and even major setbacks, are not necessarily the end of the dream. Thomas Edison said "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work" and "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

For me, helping people, meaningful relationships, learning, teaching, recognition & respect, and financial gain make me feel successful. It is probably different for you, so ask yourself "At the end of the day, what makes me feel like my time & effort was worthwhile? What gave me 'deep gladness'?"

Some day, the ripples of my life are all that will remain; the echos of my existence. But for now, while I'm still here, while I can still have direct impact, and can still shape the good I leave behind, its time to take action!
Let's make some waves! 

Success?

Is there some magic pill I've never heard of?
Or perhaps a time machine or remote control like in the movie Click that I'm missing out on? You'd tell me, right?

Seriously, how is it that some people are able to do so much with their lives? Experience so much? Have so much success? It's as if some people are able to inhale oxygen and exhale pure awesome. King Midas had it. No, not the muffler guy, the one from Greek mythology. Go read about it.

I'm not talking about the meteoric rise and fall of the latest youtube clip or internet meme. I'm talking about people who seem to warp the laws of space-time and maintain "meteoric" levels of success over a lifetime. Lasting, sustainable success. People such as Joss Whedon, Tony Dungy, Mark Driscoll, Reed Hastings, Shay Carl, Phillip DeFranco, Dave Ramsey, Tim Sanders, Zig Ziglar, Mark Zuckerberg.... the list goes on and on. Love 'em or hate 'em, their success speaks for itself!

So how do they do it? What is their personal Rumplestiltskin that enables them to spin gold where others see only straw? Seriously, I want to know! Gold may be cold and hard, but straw is itchy to sleep on! (and gold can buy a nicer bed!)

I've been reading their books, following them on twitter, and stalking them across the internet landscape like a Japanese fanboy, trying to discover their secret. While I have yet to discern the location of the mystical fountain from whence they drink, I have noticed some themes. Ramsey always emphasizes excellence, and the power of focused intensity. Jon Acuff talks about "hustle". Shay Carl teaches his kids "Remember, work will work when nothing else will work." Going back a few years, Winston Churchill said "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat."

Unfortunately, it seems success doesn't come in a convenient pill, or even a smoothie. (I know, I've looked). There's not "3 Easy Steps", and nothing seems to be guaranteed. Success appears to largely be the result of that 4 letter word "work"; Especially when coupled with that other 4 letter word "hard". With apologies to Staples, there is no "easy" button. And while Lady Luck certainly also seems to play her role, Thomas Jefferson said "I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more of it I have."

Often success feels so far away that it's hard not to get discouraged before you even begin. When considering these giants, I sometimes feel as if I'm looking up at Mt. Everest, thinking "How am I ever supposed to get all the way up there?? It's so far away, and I'm no Sir Edmund Hillary!" Zig Ziglar says "You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great." So get started! Today!!!

And when you feel overwhelmed and inadequate, stop to pray, and then take Teddy Roosevelt's advice:

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." and "Believe you can and you're halfway there."